I need help

I have recently started watching “Long Island Medium” again; it happens to coincide with the new season.  Thursday night, I watched a rerun of “Kitchen Nightmares” where a father and son have a hard relationship.
I have found myself moved to tears when a father apologizes for something he did or Spirit takes responsibility for what they did in the physical world.

Thursday, I couldn’t hold back; in the middle of the show I cried more than I thought I had in me, over my dad.  I paused live TV and told MMC Racing, “Every time I see a father apologize, I feel like I missed out him apologizing for being an ass.” My eyes welled up instantly and the tears fell in mass.  “I guess I have more stuff hanging on than I thought I did.”  More tears and rambling. “I really need to let go. To forget.  Maybe even to forgive.”  

I wish so often that my childhood was different.  Why I can’t I let go of the stuff I have left over from my childhood and teenage years?  I feel like I forget, or it doesn’t linger with me when all is well.  When something reminds me of my relationship with my father, I fall to pieces.

Why, at 36 years of age, and him being dead for so many years, does he still bother me? Why do I let it linger?  When will it go away?  How do I make it GO AWAY?!?!?!  Maybe I need to write it all down and help it get out of my system. That may make for some interesting reading here, if I go through with it. 😉

On top of all those questions, tt makes me think / ask myself one question over and over again.  Would I be who I am if I didn’t have him as a father?
I learned a lot about who I do not want to be by having him in my life.  I feel like I am better person because I choose not to be him.  I wonder if my anger management issues are because of him / my environment.

How do I answer this question?  Is this even the right question to ask?

I’m not sure I’ll ever have an answer, or ask the right questions to get get beyond my issues…maybe I need a psychic reading.

2 thoughts on “I need help

  1. Just food for thought……..Forgiveness is for you….not for your father. It is your way of letting go. Forgive and you can let go and move on. It will be good for you, I promise!!

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