I have recently started watching “Long Island Medium” again; it happens to coincide with the new season. Thursday night, I watched a rerun of “Kitchen Nightmares” where a father and son have a hard relationship.
I have found myself moved to tears when a father apologizes for something he did or Spirit takes responsibility for what they did in the physical world.
Thursday, I couldn’t hold back; in the middle of the show I cried more than I thought I had in me, over my dad. I paused live TV and told MMC Racing, “Every time I see a father apologize, I feel like I missed out him apologizing for being an ass.” My eyes welled up instantly and the tears fell in mass. “I guess I have more stuff hanging on than I thought I did.” More tears and rambling. “I really need to let go. To forget. Maybe even to forgive.”
I wish so often that my childhood was different. Why I can’t I let go of the stuff I have left over from my childhood and teenage years? I feel like I forget, or it doesn’t linger with me when all is well. When something reminds me of my relationship with my father, I fall to pieces.
Why, at 36 years of age, and him being dead for so many years, does he still bother me? Why do I let it linger? When will it go away? How do I make it GO AWAY?!?!?! Maybe I need to write it all down and help it get out of my system. That may make for some interesting reading here, if I go through with it. 😉
On top of all those questions, tt makes me think / ask myself one question over and over again. Would I be who I am if I didn’t have him as a father?
I learned a lot about who I do not want to be by having him in my life. I feel like I am better person because I choose not to be him. I wonder if my anger management issues are because of him / my environment.
How do I answer this question? Is this even the right question to ask?
I’m not sure I’ll ever have an answer, or ask the right questions to get get beyond my issues…maybe I need a psychic reading.