You ever have that day where you have accomplished a lot yet still feel like a failure?
I had a busy day today and felt pretty good most of the day. As MMC Racing was leaving I mentioned a job opportunity we are waiting to hear back on. It’s been weeks with no contact. Is this normal? Should I call again? Should I call the hiring manager? Ahhh!!
I promptly forgot about it (or did I?) as the morning went on. I hunted for jobs with no luck today. I surfed on Social Media a bit. I had to run a few errands which I did successfully. I was able to pick up a few items from a neighbor for free as well. I am really being frugal on things and it is amazing what you get when you ask for help.
I continued with my plan for the day, though I never got a workout in. I did read for learning instead of reading for fun. I set up a few future appointments. I worked on a few toastmasters items as my new VPE role. All good things.
I found some information I am not happy about. I am disappointed in my predecessor. Information I need to do my job well, is unavailable. It made me mad. I feel like this is my work right now and I can’t even do that because of someone else. It brought up a lot of anger and made me disgruntled. Very.
It should not make me mad. I can’t control it. I can only move forward. I can’t seem to drop the anger. Which then lead me to think about work, or the fact that I am not working. Then I got upset at myself. The word failure just keeps flashing before my eyes every single time I close them. It is devastating.
I can’t seem to shake that word. It’s the worst F word out there. (My favorite F word is one most people hate.) It makes me cry every time it comes to the surface.
I need this to go away. I need this feeling, this cloud, to dissipate. I am oppressing myself at this point.
I am accomplished. I can do nearly anything asked of me. I will succeed at my new job.
Now, if only I could believe it.